Kimchi, not for me

I should be in bed right now, but I'm not. I tried to call Bethany, but she didn't answer. After I hung up, I looked through my address book to see if there was anyone else I could call. Since it's 11:30 PM here, it's 10:30 AM in the time zone Jacksonville and Orlando are in...only a handful of people I know live there, and it's too early (9:30 on Saturday morning) to call anyone in the neighboring time zone. But at the back of my address book was the cell number for an old friend. I almost tried to call, but didn't. It's an old friendship that ended badly.

And you know what? I'm just going to say what I mean for once. I think this old friend made a major mistake in their life, twice. In between, there was hope for the friendship. But now none. Thinking about it reinforces my twisted idea that relationships of all kinds with other people are unsafe and damaging.

But on the other hand, I providentially came across contact information for another old friendship, one that also nearly ended badly. (It was bad, but it wasn't an end, just a near-end.) Though it ended poorly, I have thought about this person a lot over the past few months, and emailed them to apologize and express my thanks for how God used them in my life. I have come to realize more just how easy it is for me to shut people out of my life lately, and I use things like friendships ending badly and getting hurt as a justification for this. But God is changing this fear of...whatever it is (commitment? rejection? hurt?) from a cold and defensive pre-emptive heart (I'll hurt you and maybe myself before I'll let you do it) to a less-prideful (I wouldn't dare call the state of my heart humble) open to correction heart that is genuinely interested in being close with others. I hide behind so much (activity, animals, etc.) to keep people away, and this is changing now. Thank God. That's all for now...gonna try to call Bethany again.