I found out the news about Bethany's dad on Friday morning when I woke up early to go to a doctor's appointment. I called her immediately, of course, and we talked for a few minutes. She was already in Jacksonville with her family. After we hung up, I spent the next thirty minutes calling airlines and getting prices on their bereavement fares. Even if it meant me lying through my teeth, I was going to do my best to be with my best friend. The cheapest price I was quoted was a whopping $1950. Just not doable.
Quick summary:
- Traumatized further at the hospital by being given bad directions and ending up in the middle of the ER
- Called my sister crying about how I should be there.
- Called Bethany crying, she said she wanted me there, and I vowed to try my best to find a way
- Found a ticket that cost less than $1900
- Called my dog-sitter and he said he could do it
- Talked to Donovan at work and he said he and Kylie wouldn't mind covering my classes and loaning me enough money to make sure I could get the ticket and still live till we get paid again
In short, everything was settled. I was planning on lying and saying my Grandma died, but everyone I talked to said that was a bad idea, to just tell them the truth. And they were right. I was too upset and freaked out to maintain a good front. So I went to work a little early, and told Joan the situation and that I needed to go, it was not optional, it wasn't a family member, but I still needed to go. I didn't just go anyway like I was advised by my co-workers. I didn't make a scene like I was advised by my co-workers because I knew there was something I didn't know. And boy, was there. It ends up the kind old ajjuma (Korean for old woman/grandma) who runs the school is actually the slave driver and the one who makes all the mean decisions. If it had been a family member they would have been required to let me go, but as it wasn't, they had no intention of being understanding, kind, or even letting me use my three sick days I'm given in the contract (and I would have only missed three days at the most). I can't even put into words all that happened on Friday or all I found out - but one more thing, they called me out of the middle of my K-7 class to tell me, which surprised me and I thought was a very bad idea...and it ends up that was on orders from the boss as well.
Enough about my situation though...the problem isn't that I didn't get my way, the problem is that I couldn't be there with Bethany. I know she'll be fine...she's surrounded by her friends. But I'm not there. As her best friend, I should be. I haven't cried like this since my mom died. It breaks my heart, to consider how much she must be hurting right now. And I should be there - not out of some sense of obligation or duty, but because I love her and she's my best friend. But I'm not.
And I call her a few times a day...but how meaningless are words at a time like this? Quite. I remember the stupid things people said to me after my mom died, about how she was resting now, how...oh, just stupid vapid meaningless tripe. Makes me think of C.S. Lewis' book about grief (which I just bought a few weeks ago and have been reading) where he says:
Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand.
The truth is not diminished or changed at all by our suffering, but it must be remembered that there is a time and a place for everything. I don't know if that makes sense and to be honest, I don't really care if it doesn't.
I know she'll be fine...she's the strongest person I've ever known. But that doesn't mean that this isn't the hardest thing she's ever gone through, and it doesn't mean that she isn't hurting.
In short, I'm rethinking my decision to stay in Korea. I mistakenly thought I had nothing to go home to...and if by that I meant a house or a family (as in dependent on me), I was right. But in a deeper and perhaps more significant way, I was entirely wrong.
PS - The deleted comment on the above post is stupid comment spam...which is annoying on regular posts, but was downright offensive on that one. I went to their advertised website and fired off a furious letter to the owner of the domain, which I'm sure will be ignored completely. It made me feel slightly better to do it though.
PSS - I actually wrote this post after the above post, but changed the time so that one would stay on top (being more important) and so this one would make sense.
