Kimchi, not for me

Thursday, September 22, 2005

So I wrote a letter this weekend to my school and had it translated into Korean. It wasn't a malicious evil offensive attacking letter...it basically said: you lied to me, I know it, and that's wrong. I had Jenny translate it into Korean for me, and had a meeting with a teacher at work to show her before I gave it in. She basically said I couldn't do it. She said it would make things bad for her, and it would make things really bad for me, and I have to stay for three more months. She said more, but that's enough to share here. And I got so angry - just at the injustice of it all. I know I haven't fully explained the situation here, but my beef isn't even majorly that they wouldn't let me leave, it's how they handled saying no. It's just the way they treat people is wrong - not wrong as in "I wish they wouldn't do things like that," wrong, but wrong as in objectively and consistently wrong. They lie, yell, lie, manipulate, lie...you get the point. And for the first time I had proof - I knew that they had lied to me and manipulated the situation to try to make themselves look good, and I knew based on my own common sense, so I could've confronted them without breaking anyone's confidence. But I couldn't. Either they would've fired me, or made the next three months of my life nearly unbearable. And so I got angry - the kind of angry I've been very rarely in my life. I told the teacher at work that I needed to leave or I was going to do or say something I'd regret. Conveniently, I was sick, so I went to the doctor. I've never in my life had a job like this...it's foreign in a whole lot of ways. Well, at the doctor he told me that I have a severe lung infection and gave me lots of medicine. I went back to work after seeing the doctor, and taught the rest of my classes (coughing so much and so hard that I was scaring the children). Same for yesterday and today. I'm just sick...but I haven't been this sick in a long time.

And so, that's where my life is at the moment. I don't know if I've mentioned this or not already (and I'm too lazy to check right now) but I'm reconsidering staying in Korea another year. I emailed Dr. Freeman, the professor from BCF who is very much like a father figure to me, and he said that he thinks I should go back to the States, go back to school (master and ph.d) and be a college professor of some kind (he recommended Bible or literature). I'm entirely undecided and, if you couldn't tell, really confused. I'm basically back at the exact same point I was at during the spring semester of 2004, except now I have less credit card debt and more life experience. I'm not saying I've regressed, just at the same point decision-wise. Feel free to share if you have advice. I just don't know. Could all my dreams/thoughts of going to India be wrong? And I wonder that not due to pride (at least I think), but just because if I'm hearing God that wrong, that's an indicator of a bigger problem.

Honestly, right now I'm very frustrated. I'm frustrated with my job (both bosses and students), my own personal spiritual, emotional, and mental life, the country I live in, the friends I have here, I'm frustrated. It's similar to a point I came to in Israel, where everything about the country and culture drove me bonkers. It's different here, it's occasional, not constant, but it's wearing me down. Sorry for being dreary. I'm off to bed now though, have a doctor's appointment early in the morning.

11:21 PM | Permalink

Stop running from yourself, it's not so bad to be human, we are all out for the same thing in life. aside from glorifying God,we may hide it but deep down we all just want to be happy.What is the shame in that? It takes work at times, but it's worth it.It's not so odd. Just stop running! What are you running from?

The Voice of Reason

Posted by Anonymous | 5:27 AM

teresa- just wanted to let you know that I am praying for ya! since you do your morning blog browsing check mine out sometime. I read yours almost everday!
megan

Posted by The Brezina's | 6:39 AM

^ Thanks for the encouragement. And I'll be sure to check out your blog.

^^ Define running. I'm not saying I'm not, I'm just saying I don't get it.

Posted by Teresa | 10:45 AM

hey teresa,
I'm worried about you being so sick. Wish I could give you a hug through the computer (haha) love ya lots and am praying for you as you decide what to do with your future.
-Bethany

Posted by Anonymous | 3:39 AM

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Posted by Anonymous | 3:39 AM

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Posted by Anonymous | 3:39 AM

You know, reading this post reminds me again of how much we are alike. I get frustrated with everything/one like you do and sometimes nothing anyone, including myself, seems to do or say makes any difference. I'm in a place like that right now. I feel like everyone is making decisions for me about my life and my work and quite frankly I'm beat. I moved to TX to better myself and to prove to others and myself that I could do it-I could live away from my family and still be happy. I understand completely where you are coming from about feeling like you have regressed...but I guarantee that even though you may not be able to see it right now, in fact, you may never be able to see it, but you have made a difference in people's lives because of your relationship to our Father. And, I find myself engrossing myself in the Word and praying that God would give me direction in times like these because I don't know about you, but I feel like God is a million miles away and everything I'm doing, I'm not really sure why I am doing it. And...please don't think you have failed at what God has given you...you have done so much more than some ever will. I am very proud of you and will continue to be...now, before i run out of words...i'll go update my blog...(don't faint)...i love you!

Posted by JoAnna | 1:32 PM

By running, I mean. Why are you hopping all over foregin countries. You seem like someone in deep conflict with your self. Maybe you are? but what is so bad about coming back to the US where workers have rights and you don't need an interpreter to get cold medicine? What is in Korea? an incidentally, it wouldn't omfort me to know that North Korea wants to use S. Korea as a nuclear missle test site someday!! haha.

The Voice of Reason

Posted by Anonymous | 1:47 AM

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Posted by Teresa | 3:50 AM

I am in deep conflict with myself in some ways, but I think that living and working in two foreign countries over the past year is not much of an indicator of it. What's in Korea? A job that pays better than any job I could have in the States at this moment. And North Korea hates the capitalism of the South, but does want to be reunited (under communism, of course...but still). Out of sheer curiosity, do I know you, Voice of Reason?
(Above comment was my own...totally left out an important word that changed the meaning of the comment, so I just started over.)

Posted by Teresa | 3:53 AM

Yes we have met.A few years ago.

Posted by Anonymous | 2:24 PM

^ Not interested in telling me who you are? I'm at least slightly curious.

Posted by Teresa | 3:40 AM

I'm not that special, you won't rememebr me

Posted by Anonymous | 4:36 AM

How do you know? From the character judgments you've been making about me, I'd assume you knew me quite well. I might just surprise you...try me.

Posted by Teresa | 8:30 AM