Kimchi, not for me

I'm in one of those annoyingly introspective/philosophical moods. The sad part? I *still* have nothing of interest to say. Or maybe I do. I don't know yet. You'll have to read on to find out.

It seems like a lot of the people I spend time with have been talking about their vision for their lives as of late. The plans range from getting married, to leaving the country, to going back to school, to...who knows what. It's just got me thinking a lot about my life.

If all goes well, I've decided to start the virtual MA in Religion program through RTS in October. This is somewhat of a shift in direction for me. Before, I could never justify going back to school (even from a distance) because it seemed to only put off for longer my goal of paying back my student loans. The hope in paying off my loans ASAP is that I can go to the mission field...whatever field that may be. I would like to be a teacher training native missionaries/pastors. But going back to school seemed to, at first, only prolong that happening. Now I'm seeing that it will both help and prolong it. And from a really pragmatic point of view, I'm wasting my money on all sorts of random things - at least if I'm going to school AND paying off my loans I have a better chance of spending money on smarter things (like school, textbooks, etc.).

And then there's the issue of a relationship. Well, the issue of a lack of a relationship...is that a better way to say it? It's a struggle because literally for YEARS now my heart has had this off-and-on struggle. There's an old friend of mine that is just a great guy, but for years now I've gone back and forth between wondering/hoping/wanting there to be something between us and being confused/indifferent. I'm honestly just sick of the up and down. Along the way I've had other interests, small crushes on other guys, of course. But this one keeps on coming back. Does that mean it's supposed to be there? Does it mean I have a deep-seated desire to punish myself by it coming back again and again? Or is it possible that it's just the place my heart goes back to when I'm bored or lonely? I don't know. But I wouldn't mind being shed of it, for good or for bad.

On a different and yet strangely related note, I now have two matching suitcases. I don't currently have the time to explain just what these suitcases mean. I left Peter at my apartment to make a phone call and have been gone about an hour now. But let me assure you, they mean much more than simple luggage. I like them and they're cute - but that's just details. The real issue (guess I'm taking the time to explain it after all) is that they're *mine*. In a completely non-materialistic way, too. They represent my ability to provide for myself - and not just to survive, but to also buy things that will last. I feel like I have spent too much time and money buying the cheap $10 things that break right away. In some way that is almost painfully cheesy, it's like an investment in myself and in my own future. By the way, they're pink. Absolutely delightful suitcases, if I do say so myself.

But now I really must go. If anyone has advice about the boy issue, I welcome it. I may disagree, I may not follow it, but I welcome the insight and the concern.