Kimchi, not for me

I feel like I've succumbed. What is my job? I am an English teacher. I am employed specifically because I am a native speaker of English. When I first started working here, I remarked that we were like overpriced baby-sitters. I have since changed my opinion. But right now I'm struggling with perspective. It's not as if I think my job is incredibly important. Actually, it's not the teaching that stresses me out. The teaching stresses me out only insofar as it is preventing me from completing all the paperwork I have to do, that is already actually quite overdue. The new teacher arrived Monday, and is extremely pleasant. The issue is that now we're having meetings galore, every five minutes, pointless meetings, which prevent the rest of us from getting anything more obviously productive accomplished. I actually am really enjoying my job - I'm getting some slightly different responsibilities (or rather existing responsibilities are being tweaked a little), but I'm in that stressful "No matter how much I get done, I'm still behind," state, which is no fun no matter how you look at it. But I'm just a nervous ball of energy and anxiety. The doctor told me that the muscles in my neck are so tight she thinks I should go to physical therapy. It's just all too much right now. Things should change drastically for the better next week, but I'm just worn down. I feel like this is a totally useless post, really just rehashing the complaints from the last two, so please forgive me. I would just trash it, were it not for the fact that I spent time typing this that I could have been sleeping, and therefore am going to treat it as if it contains something worth posting for that reason alone. Good night, and I promise I will work on being more pleasant in the next post.

Yesterday afternoon I became very dizzy. It was very sudden and very random. One minute I was fine, and the next minute I was having a hard time formulating coherent thoughts and I had to hold on to the desk I was sitting at because I was afraid I might fall out of my chair. I held it together for awhile, thinking it would pass, and it didn't right away. Then I went and laid down in the "gym" beside the teacher's room for about five minutes, which also didn't help. I went to my next class and had to sit down the whole time and have one of the students play the cassette tape for me and write words or sentences on the board because I couldn't stand up and I could only barely move my head because of the dizziness. I was determined to make it through the day because there was a dinner meeting for the writers of the devotional my church puts out, and I was really looking forward to going. The dizziness abated slightly, but the cab ride from school to the place where we were meeting nearly did me in. By the time I got back to my apartment and laid down (at around 9:45 because I couldn't keep my eyes open a second longer) I was a mess. I was dizzy, nauseous, and sore all over. My head hurt like it does the day after a migraine and I felt gross. I didn't sleep well, in part due to the cat. At 1:00 AM I started crying tears of frustration (being SO tired and feeling so bad and not being able to sleep) and I threw the cat into the bathroom and turned on the fan of the small heater I have to try to drown out the meowing. I called the International Clinic this morning and went in to see the doctor. I've been dizzy to varying degrees all day, and the cause is unknown. There's a chance it could be a migraine presenting itself differently (I usually have a spot in my field of vision). There's a chance it could be any host of things. The doctor prescribed me a muscle relaxer, some antivert-type medicine, and some medicine to help me actually fall asleep. I was going to go to a pharmacy before I went to work, but the cab ride nearly did me in. I never realized how much movement exists around me until just now...I nearly puked in the delightful man's cab. I had bought some food at one of the places at the hospital, but was so nauseous from the drive that I couldn't eat it when I got to work. I couldn't actually do any work, either. Pretty much all I could do was sit in my chair slumped over covering my eyes, or looking down at the ground. It was absolutely no good, and realistically I should have gone home. Practically, it was impossible. We're short a teacher as is, so I toughed it out. All day long I've felt like I've ridden 80 roller coasters - that nauseous, motion-sickness-headache, I just want to lie down in a cold dark room, feeling. And I really want to describe my experience today with reflexology (I think that's what Kylie said it's known as in North America) but not only am I tired, the screen is still spinning, and my palms are bruised (reflexology and homemade accupuncture with toothpicks). Long story. Very funny. Another night.

The dog is eating cat poop from the litter box. (Well, not anymore...I stopped her. But she was. And that's just gross.) I just cut myself on a can of tuna. I gave myself a huge knot at work running into who-knows-what. I found out today that a new teacher might not arrive until July 10 or 11, which means we'll be working 10-12 hour days until then. (There is a male teacher that could leave tomorrow and start next week, but the school won't really consider him because he's a guy. And they have some reasons which are obviously valid to them, but I disagree entirely.) My class of sixth grade boys as as bad as they usually are, though they were so creative as to add a new element of disrespect and utter disregard for what I say by actually laughing a few times after I gave instructions. The cat still won't let me sleep past 6:30-ish AM. And until I have realized the futility of attempting sleep, he amuses himself by attacking various parts of my body, particularly my face. (And I sleep with a sleep mask on because I cannot stand light, so the attacks have an added element of surprise and "Oh my gosh, I hate this cat.") I realized I had taught one of my classes for two weeks out of the wrong book (I only have them once a week, so it was only two times - but STILL). I don't care what anyone says, I know that crying doesn't actually solve problems, but it lets me let off steam - and at this point, if no steam is let off/out, I might spontaneously combust. Or something.

This past weekend I walked out of a movie in a theater for the first time. It was Texas Chainsaw Massacre (don't ask me why it's in theaters here two years after it was out in the States). My reasons for leaving had to do with my own mental defects (tendency to obsess on horrifying thoughts/images and not get them out of my mind no matter what) and the issue of desensitization. In fact, I was so troubled I took a very circuitous route home, and then typed a four-page document in Word to get out all that was on my mind at the moment. I was proud of myself because even though four pages is an awful lot, it was an organized list (divided into personal and general concerns) with points and sub-points. Then I almost left Kylie and Donovan's house during a movie Sunday night. I'm rethinking my position on entertainment - not because I'm righteous or holy, simply because I'm weak and too easily influenced by what I watch, and because my heart is hard enough to the real crises and catastrophes in the world today without the callouses on my heart being strengthened through over-stimluation regarding generally untrue scenarios on the screen (TV and movies). Does that make any sense?

I'm also reading Shadow of the Almighty, by Elizabeth Elliot right now, and I'm learning an awful lot. More than anything, my heart is becoming solidified regarding what I think God's purpose is for my life, but I'm too weak and inconsistent at this point to speak in any certain terms. I also bought two books by Francis Schaeffer (and I'm nearly certain I pelled his name wrong) this Sunday at church. I got the book Rickie quoted (that I always confuse with Colson's book) and another one titled A Christian Manifesto. The issue of the decline of the west has figured prominently in my thoughts since my intensive on the book of Daniel my last setmester at BCF. My issues regarding entertainment have served to strengthen some of my thoughts on the matter, but I'm still really ignorant - so I'm reading the book.

I'm really rather stressed about work - we might not be able to get a new teacher here until July 9, and I'm not sure if my patience and sanity will last that long. I also gave myself a monstrously evil paper cut at work today. It's small things like that that contribute significantly to the already nearly overwhelming feelings of frustration. That, and the fact that my cat thinks my pants are a delightful substitute for a rope ladder, and his internal clock wakes him up around 6:30 AM every morning where he then torments me until I am mean, angry, and loud enough to scare him into a brief silence. Life has to slow down a little bit soon, right? That's all. I need sleep. Night.

An American dog says: bark bark, woof woof, arf, arf, etc.
A Korean dog says: mung mung
(I've known this one for some time now. There have been times when I've been walking around the lake with Daive and heard small kids yelling, in varying states of panic, "Mung, Mung, MUNG!")

An American cat says: meow meow
A Korean cat says yow, yow

An American pig says oink oink
A Korean pig says gul, gul (I may have confused this with the Korean cow sound, not 100% sure)

An American frog says ribbet ribbet
A Korean frog says gaggle gaggle


Interesting cultural beliefs:

1. If you sleep in a room with all doors and windows closed and an electric fan on, you will die.

2. If you walk in the rain without an umbrella, your hair will fall out.
- Interesting story - Jenny told me this Friday morning but I didn't believe her. Then yesterday it stared raining during my fourth grade class (which has a window facing the street). They were all groaning and moaning because of the rain, and I told them that I liked rain. They yelled a little about that, and then started gesturing that rain makes your hair fall out. They even drew a before and after picture on the white board for me - me with hair before walking in the rain and a bald me (complete with a HUGE forehead) after walking in the rain.

3. You cannot/really should not/don't think about writing someone's name in red. It either means that you want them to die or that they will die soon - it's really not good either way. I don't think I've done this at all, actually...but I've come close a few times.

Sorry for the lack of input. Sad to say, Melissa left this week to go back to the States, so we've been working ten to twelve hour days at work. By the time I get home I'm so exhausted I can barely walk the dog or fix my dinner. On that note, I should have been asleep at least an hour ago. Night.

This is a picture from the June National Geographic (which my grandparents so wonderfully got a subscription to for me), and when I was reading it Friday morning I was struck at the resemblence between the hyena on the far right and my dog. I've always said and heard that Daive is hyena-like, but all I had to compare it to really was the animated kind in the Lion King. This totally nailed it down for me. Uncanny, is it not?

I've only eaten absolute garbage for the past week or so (remember the pizza-induced nightmare?) and I'm currently trying not to beat myself up too much about it. I've learned an awful lot over the past three months about food as it relates to my emotional and mental states, and they are all excellent lessons to learn, though could be more useful if I implemented them in my life in a consistent manner.

In any case, I decided to reward myself today (for getting out of credit card debt, and getting an exceptional lot done at work this week) by going to the big bookstore sorta near my house. I spent $50 and bought only three books - which I suppose isn't much worse than it might have cost in the States. Anyway, here's what I bought.

• Fight Club, by Chuck Palahniuk - Wanted to read the book before I saw the movie a few months ago, but couldn't bring myself to spend money on it when I had so little. Got it this afternoon, halfway finished with it now. Lots of quote-worthy lines in there, and I've been surprised at how different it is from the movie.
• Gulag, by Anne Applebaum - I was looking for a book about the history of Russia, and this is the closest I could find. It's actually more recent history than I was looking for, but relevant nonetheless.
• War and Peace, by Tolstoy - I had to work my way up to buying this book (though ironically it was the cheapest of the three). I read Resurrection by Tolstoy last month and enjoyed it immensely. I read Anna Karenina (however you spell it) last summer and likewise enjoyed it. He's very easy to read. And through he and Dostoyevsky, I've developed at least a mild interest in Russian history (hence Gulag, above). I find it (it being the novels by the only two Russian writers I've read) refreshing because of their willingness to see/admit/confront the problems and evils in their society, yet maintaining a genuine love for their homeland. It's actually related to the latest post on Rickie's blog - in a way I'm not entirely sure if I can explain. Anyway, this was intended to be a brief mention about what I bought, so I'll stop here - but culture, heritage, and patriotism are topics that I find interesting and yet somewhat foreign as well.

Anyway, Kylie just called and I'm taking the animals downstairs to see them. What follows is part of a conversation Kylie and I had when we were walking home from the subway station Wednesday night after picking up Claude, inspired by Kylie giving Claude some of her vanilla ice cream (from her finger):

Me: "You do realize that you're like his godmother, right?"

Kylie: "Aww. Does that mean I get him if you die? Or does that just mean if you die I have to make sure he goes to church?"

PS - I graduated from high school six years ago today. That makes me feel old, though I know I'm not.

It ends up that Claude (the name of my new kitty) is quite popular. He has already firmly established his place in the hearts of Kylie and Donovan. So much so, in fact, that Donovan asked if he could take my keys when he left work yesterday and baby-sit the kitten until I got home from work. Enter these photos - he had to capture the cuteness. And this is my favorite photo of them all - he said he changed the settings on his camera to get it this clear. I think it's amazing. In any case, meet Claude (who slept a whopping five hours in a row last night, by the way!)

Thoroughly adorable

This is me getting creative - the purple blanket in the background is a comforter (both our apartments cam furnished with it) and while it's delightful, it's also a little bright. I wanted the pinkness of the paw pads on the back leg to show also, but I don't have photoshop, and am not talented in other programs to do much more than this. It's cute though, I think.

This was one of the first pictures taken during the impromptu photo shoot.

I shouldn't be awake now. Wednesday was far too long and tiring of a day for me to be awake now. Yet, I am quite obviously awake. I got the kitten last night, and am very near the point of swearing off all animals. Daive has done decently with him, but they have joined evil forces to make sure that I stay awake. And me with not enough sleep is not good news for anyone, that I can assure you. Now I am going to attempt sleep yet again...though I have little hope it will actually work. Arg.

It is thankfully over, and I am very close to the time when I will be falling into bed, nearly unconscious. The K-6 class I mentioned before started today. I cannot even begin to explain just how much I dreaded this class. It was even the kind of dread you feel in the pit of your stomach - which took me back to considerably less enjoyable moments in my life. I'm an anxious twitchy person most of the time, probably the closest to the human embodiment of a chihuahua that you'll ever meet, but it's gotten MUCH better over the past five years. Anyway, I had nightmares all last night - some about work, and some induced from the pizza I had for dinner. When I woke up, I was even more tired than when I went to sleep. When I got to work and talked to June, the Korean teacher in charge of planning the class, she said that she had been dreading it all weekend too, and that she didn't even want to come in because of it. Amen, sister. And again, it's not that I'm all that afraid of five year olds - it's just the time taken away from planning and my other new responsibilities and I'm haunted by this gnawing fear that I won't be able to handle it all and end up being a big fat failure. Not to mention that it's a requirement to dance and jump around like a big clown and sing your silly little heart out in these classes. An interesting factoid about me is that while I can sing, can carry a tune and such, I never sing in front of other people. I don't know why - I just never do and never have. Not even in front of Bethany, and she and I spent literally hundreds of hours together in cars going somewhere listening to music. I just don't.

Anyway, moving on...the class went really well though. Of course, it consisted of four of THE cutest children to ever live. Have I mentioned that we have to give them English names if they don't already have one? Mr. Lee's kids (the twin boys belong to my boss) already had English names, but the other boy and the girl didn't. So I named the girl Rosa, and the boy Joey. They are insanely smart, they can count to ten (obviously, in English), and picked up on the colors so fast. Anyway, so the class itself went quite well. It's so funny, all the self-conscious issues and fears I had disappeared as soon as the four probably-terrified children made their way into the room. I applauded, I made absolutely horrible faces at them to get them to laugh, and of course, I sang - alone, even, because one day isn't enough for these kids to know the words. It's so dumb the things that stress me out.

The day went well overall except for one class in particular, and the first taste of "Why isn't this done yet?" I got stressed out and selfishly angry - I spent a substantial portion of my three-day weekend doing stuff for work, to try to get ahead, and already today I got the vibe that I was slacking and not doing so well. Of course, that vibe was because I read too much into things and was grumpy and grouchy. So anyway, I'm sure all will be fine. Then tonight I bought dog food, kitten food, and kitty litter (the kitty arrives Thursday, which is also quite exciting). I was picking out all this stuff, and then I just pointed at the bag of dog food I wanted (it was under some other stuff), and the clerk said, "For Daive?" I, of course, thought I misunderstood him, so I was confused - but then Kylie clarified for me. It's the same place I took Daive when she had nail issues, and I'm also not sure why it surprised me that he remembered me and the name of my dog. Probably not everyday a white girl comes in with her insane and terrifying (scoff) dog.

I really am exhausted, and I'm not sure why. I have to go in to work early tomorrow to get the stuff done I (theoretically) should have had done today. Not looking forward to that...but you gotta do what you gotta do. I really am tired though, and am praying that the potatoes I had for dinner won't inspire the same horrifying dreams tonight as the pizza did last night. Eek. On that note, good night...and sweet non-potato-induced dreams.

Meet Lottie, Haley's boxer. She was one of Daive's best friends back in the States. I'm a few days late, but she just celebrated her second birthday. And Haley, one of my best friends back in the States, is as much of a cheeseball and dog lover as I am. I LOVE these pictures - happy birthday LM!

Happy Birthday dear Lottie....happy birthday to you!

Cake carnage

Such a busy week...unbelievable. So, a quick update for you all. I got a promotion/raise at work. It's very exciting - it's nice to feel more like a part of the school, but it's also quite a bit more work. I am also getting another class - of kindergarteners. It's called K-6, but the kids are actually K-5 - which means that they are five years old in Korean age. That would make them four in US age. Four years old! And they're taking a foreign language class. Wow. I'm nervous about it - I prefer working with older kids. I'm also nervous about it because two of the four students in the class are the twin sons of one of my bosses (Mr. Lee). This makes them the nephews of my other boss, and the grandsons of the owner of the school. So yeah, no pressure. It starts next week, I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.

Monday is a holiday, so I'm trying hard to enjoy the first day of my three-day weekend. Actually, all I've done since I got up is work, though. I brought some textbooks home over the weekend, and would rather like to get ahead. Of course, now that I've eaten, all I really want to do is lay down and take a nap. Ah well. We'll see.

Beyond that, there's not a whole lot going on. I've been homesick lately, in a "I'm doing fine here and I don't to leave, but there's a lot that I miss" kind of way. I have also recently discovered that I won't be able to afford to go home over my week break in July, which is sad. Maybe not even at Christmas either. The last time I saw my family was in August - so it'll be over a year. That's tough. It's really only a problem with the people I can't keep up with through email - my grandparents and aunts and such. I do miss home though.

It's bizarre that I don't have more to say than just this. I have a lot to do though, and consequently a lot on my mind. Perhaps later on in the weekend. Have a good weekend, all of you!

I take back everything I said about being a responsible adult. I'm not. Maybe I'll never be. But at least I'll be an irresponsible non-adult and have a REALLY cute kitten! (As of next Thursday)

This just makes me laugh. That is all.